all right kids, I am a white, middle-class female with no hope of getting help to get an education in a field in which there is a great need. I'm looking into nursing at SIUE, and the tuition for out-of-state is absurd; the illinois tuition isn't too much better, either. the most pragmatic course of action, then, would be to look at scholarships. however, because I'm not a minority, a graduate of alton high, or a prospective teacher, I don't qualify for anything.

I don't understand this education shit. here I am, a good student with an extensive background in extracurricular activities, and there is nothing I can do to get a job or help fund an education in a field that is necessary. I could go to meramec, so I need to stop bitching so much, but the waiting lists are at times longer than what it would take to finish up my pre-reqs.

I don't know what to do with my life.

I told steven that if I were to go to nursing school, we'd have to get married (so I was an ill. resident) or I'd have to pop out a kid in order to afford school. I DONT KNOW GRRRRRRRRRRRRR why does the world mandate what is so hard to achieve???!!!

my co-worker and I have been showing up to work lately wearing almost identical outfits. last week or so we were both wearing khakis and brown short-sleeved shirts (as well as a female photog), and today we were both sporting pin-striped collared shirts and jeans. def random, def not planned. it's funny though.

ok, to finish my apartment for now, I need to:
-get my table and chairs, strip them of paint, paint them or finish them
-get a curio cabinet or shelving unit for my crystal (goodwill)
-hang pics
-strip the bedside table in my room and finish it or paint it
-paint the black parts of kitchen
-find a desk and set up computer
-get more pic frames
-find rugs: kitchen, bedroom, front room
-find big pillows for front room
-bring back comforter and get new one

I also need to go grocery shopping...

as always, I'm at work and I'm supremely tired. I won't get into it anymore than that.

my birthday was yesterday. no big thing. steven got me a camera (which is/was awesome) and my mom gave me a hundred bucks. my g-ma gave me sixty for my bedding, and I've generally gotten lovely little things from the rest of my family. it was nice.

I've been thinking more and more about going into nursing school. I would rather do an accelerated program at edwardsville (that is, if I get in) over any other full-term program. it'll kick my butt, but what else is there? it seems like the most logical path I've got right now, and I'd be able to travel with steven if he goes into federal law enforcement. I don't know how he specifically feels about that, but it's really important to me. I don't even know if I have a particular passion for nursing, but I need to DO something. I can't keep working these minimal-amount-per-hour jobs that are nothing but understimulating and tiring. at least with nursing I'd be challenged and on my feet.

I think what I need is a direction. I'm not in this huge, ridiculous hurry to start my life, but I can't sit on my bills and wish them away. with nursing, I'd be headed somewhere, and I could do what I want on the side (aka write). how wonderful would it be if I wrote a book on the side? what about when I get pregnant? I could write an encyclopedia while I'm riding on my hormone highs and lows. shit, if I'm still with steven I would be riding on the highs and lows of our relationship alone. I write the best when I'm sad anyway; I always have.

the truth is, I can't keep feeling so inadequate with myself all the time. here I am, a talented, young, ambitious kid with all the heart necessary for a job in a high-intensity company, and I rarely get interviewed. I know I'm doing something wrong, but what am I going to say when they ask me what I want to do with my life? what's my ideal job setting? what would I be doing if I had the ultimate dream job? I don't know!!! well, I would really like to work at a place like washU because it's up my alley, and I'd also have the opportunity to perhaps work with their soccer team(s). I would love that. sports, college-age people, and school are fun things to be around on a regular basis. but do I wait around for that? or do I take initiative and apply for nursing school? I'll have to wait an entire year before I'd be ready to enroll at edw. because I don't have the pre-reqs out of the way. shit, I could have been working on them all summer if I thought I would get to this point.

I've lightened up a bit (it helps that I have my own apt. now, and steven can come over more regularly), but I'm still stuck. I don't get turned down for jobs very often, but I can't handle not sparking any interest with any probable employers either. I suppose I can't rush this whole process, but until I can tell my debt collectors to fuck off, these thoughts are going to plague me.

FUCK OFF

I am so tired, and I'm super hungry. my energy resources have been cashed because I worked all day yesterday on my apartment after kmov, then I went to work at WB. I haven't eaten much in the last few days because I don't have time or I forget which isn't helping me any. ugh. I really, really need to take better care of myself because my body is rebelling against me.

I do have some points of good news, however. first, I finished painting my bathroom yesterday , and the navy blue turned out really pretty. I also get my couches today as well as a big TV, and uncle mike and my grandpa brought my dresser over yesterday. sylvia is going to be shopping for wedding gowns today (since she FINALLY booked a reception hall), and I'm going to alton later for a bbq. then, later this weekend my fam and I will be in the ozarks. I don't have high, high expectations, but that's a bundle of good news I thought I could keep in mind if the going got tough.

I'm headed out early so I can get a bite to eat at einstein (I think) and then get my apartment in order for the deliveries.

my birthday is on sunday. to celebrate 23 years of my life, my body decided to rebel against me. that's all I'm going to say on the subject. sometimes I hate my past.

I almost can't wait to get back to me apartment because I know it's coming together so well. britt and I put up the curtains, and I really have a direction for all of the rooms. she was sweet enough to hang up most or all of my clothes, and she also put away most of my bathroom stuff that I had in a random drawer. as soon as I get my dresser and couches, I'll be in business. I can't wait for it to be finished!!!

I want to have a party with everything all set up. I think it'll go over well...we'll see.

I'm so tired.

I am trying, without much success, to stay awake this morning. I cannot seem to keep my eyes open. you know those times when you're so tired or sleepy that you can justify falling asleep anywhere - class, a bar, at a desk in front of a computer?? well, that's me today.

latest update with steven: so the other day I made him stay at my apartment till I got home from work just so I could give him a hug and a kiss before he left to go home. later on that night, he called me in a bad mood. I sensed he didn't want to talk to me much, so I got off the phone and resolved to give him some space - no big deal. he is naturally a loner, and I've learned it's much easier to give him that space than pressure him into talking.

that said, texted me and said he had a lot on his mind. ok fine...again, I said I'd just hang out till he was ready to talk. well, this morning I got to work and found a message on facebook from him saying we needed to have a serious talk. GREAT. you know my whole bad feeling thing? well there it was all over again.

I racked my brain and thought of something I might have done, but since I'm PERFECT (ahem) I was stumped. then I was terrified that he had done something, that he was going to tell me he didn't want to be with me anymore or that he had cheated on me - which would, in effect, mean that we were absolutely NOT going to be together. well I was way off.

from what I'm slowly gathering from texts he keeps sending me, he saw a photo booth pic of me and my friend kevin from when we had goneto the city museum in january. we were just being stupid about it, and the last pic was a "fake make-out" pic of us (we never even touched mouths). it was on my coffee table with a lot of other pics, so it's not like I was trying to hide it or anything; plus I had shown steven right after the fact (or at least mentioned it), so I thought it was a non-issue. APPARENTLY steven's been stewing over these pics for two days now, and he's also questioning all these other things about me.

greaaaaaaaaat. so this pic of me and kev is pretty bad, and I can imagine that it's really hard to explain (esp since there's no way of proving that didn't make out). however, he's now asking about his friend - HIS friend, mind you - matt, who keeps trying to get me to come over, and who also suggested wanting to be my roommate (he has a girlfriend??? I'm dating one of his best friends??). ok, I've flirted with him pretty heavily, but I have never alluded to wanting to 'be' with him. then sun night chris texted me to hang out. I didn't promise him anything. in fact, I haven't said yes to so much as hanging out with either of them, aside from maybe going on a bike ride with matt (but I'd long ago decided against it).

the point is, I've told steven all of these incidents. I've let him know what's going on, who's calling me, how I'm iffy about these guys. after giving it some thought, I had finally told him about matt - that he was making advances toward me without my prompting. I didn't want to say anything for fear of causing a rift between them, and now he's accusing me of something?? I don't get it; if nothing else, he has reason to be questioned after all of his lies and secretive nature.

it seems interesting to me, after all of this, that in my attempt to be open and not hide anything, I have, in turn, FUCKED SOMETHING UP. whatever. I can't be accountable for his insecurities, just like he doesn't feel accountable for mine.

chicken or the egg?

I have another one of my feelings today. I'm trying to brush it off and pretend that it's nothing, that it's too much coffee and sugar. the fact that I'm mentioning it at all isn't a good sign for me because I usually just ignore it and let whatever happens, happen. I'm not going to talk to steven today because I got the feeling last night that he's on the brink of one of his moods. he needs a little space, and I need to stop giving him shit about constantly coming over. I have a feeling it's getting to him. if we do hang out at all in the near future, I'm going to push for it to be low-key and low-cost.

I don't know whether these feelings I get are like self-fulfilling prophecies (as in, I don't feel right, I acknowledge that, then something bad happens), or if it's my body or mind telling me something is going to happen for sure.

gotta go

I'm getting discouraged again. I didn't get the job at small business, so now I'm back to square one. I'm getting tired of searching and not finding anything that appeals to me. should I just get a sales job? I don't think so...what's the point of having a job that would make me hate my life??? I'd rather be poor. I keep asking myself about the S word: SCHOOL. I might need to go back to have something to do. I just wish this college experience would pay off. the truth is, I don't see myself going very far in communications. I haven't seen anything that really appealed to me, except maybe the admissions job at colleges/universities. can you imagine me working at wash-U? that would be perfect. if I work there forever, then my kids can go there for free. I wasn't always a big fan of being at school, but I was always comfortable there. I know I can do an admissions job. I know I'd be good at it. I JUST NEED A CALL BACK. if someone would finally just give me a chance to show my stuff, maybe then I could rock someone's world. I'm talented and hard-working; so why do I feel so inadequate? god, this is infuriating.

I might as well start looking at nursing schools. at least I know the dire need for people in that field, and as I've said before, if steven and I stay together and he sticks with law enforcement, then I can be marketable virtually anywhere in the US. plus insurance is fucking fantastic through most hospitals. but do I want to go into further debt??? I almost can't stand the idea. no, wait - I absolutely fuckin HATE the idea of going into more school debt. WHY IS SCHOOL SO HARD AND EXPENSIVE???!!! and why the FUCK do I spend so much money and HAVE NO FUCKING JOB. FUCK I HATE THIS

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh it'll get better, right? I'll stop questioning myself and the rest of hte world soon, right? and I'll find a place I love where I'll make lots of money and friends and contacts and where I love getting up in the mornings.........RIGHT??!!!!!!!!


ok, God, I don't talk to you very often, but I really really need you now. give me some idea of where I need to be in my life. show me a direction, and help me to either be patient or open. what is that I want to be? what is it that I want to do?? please help. I don't know how long I'll be able to do this lame waiting and working thing...........

I am so fuckin tired. I just want to go home. it was a pretty good day, but I haven't been getting much sleep lately and I need it. I get to go to the cards game wed night with my man and a couple of friends. I went to the brewery today which was wildly entertaining and an overall good experience. my apartment is really coming together and I'm finally relaxing about it. so today was a good day...it just needs to end.

I've been thinking a lot about my career options lately. I am so frustrated with where I am in my life, and I don't know what I want to do. I'm not particularly excited about anything anymore. I don'r put my heart into much because I feel torn in so many ways. well, I'm also constantly tired which numbs my brain to the point of almost total detachment. I've really been considering this nursing idea; I used to be open to becoming a lawyer, but I can't fathom going into too much more debt. I've already racked up about 70g in undergrad debt for a practically useless degree and I don't want to add to it.

omg I keep farting (silently) and it stinks BAD, so I'm sure anyone who happens to walk up near me will think there is a sewage problem or that I just naturally stink.

anyway, back to career choices...nurses make so much money and there is a serious demand for them. can I do it? can I enter into an accelerated program and finally feel like there is some direction in my life? maybe. maybe I just need to get a job first in the field in which I studied for so vigorously. I just thought that working hard in college in more ways than academically would pay off, but I haven't seen the fruits of my labors yet and I'm sure as shit getting restless.

however, a few good developments: kristin's new guy she's been seeing is the son of the man who started one of the nation's leading PR firms. that's a great 'in' if pat is up for it. also, my boss here emailed me info on an opening at a nearby jr college for a sports information director, which is right up my alley. it's only part-time, and I probably wouldn't get paid much, but I'm willing to give it a shot. I know it would be a great position to add to my resume. experience is key! (right? right???)

ugh I think it will get better soon. I really want to make a concentrated effort to eat better and (finally) exercise (too bad I'm craving chocolate chip cookies and brownies...I'm on my period). my other goal (one which I decided yesterday) is to avoid saying so many negative things. I need to focus on the positives in my life and stop being a downer. there is no reason for it, and I have every reason to be thankful for all the things I do have. I am so fortunate and lucky. I need to start acting accordingly! I want to be the person people want to be around! I want to be magnetic and happy and free of this burden of negativity! I should start a gratitude journal.

AAAAAAAAAAAARHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

forty minutes to go...I can't wait to get out of this damn place. it's slowly but surely killing me.

I am so tired. I can't stay awake, so I'm going to write to keep my eyes open (I hope). my lips are chapped, my stomach hurts really bad, and I keep falling asleep at my desk. coffee is out of the question because my stomach hurts so bad.

what a whiny bitch I am. a bridge collapses in minnesota, killing several and injuring dozens others, and I'm bitchy about my chapped lips. I hope they're all ok. I wonder what will happen beyond this? I know a lot of engineers are currently inspecting the bridges in their cities. the guy who is in the press conference is good about laying out the situation and asking the public for a few, very particular ways they can help the search and rescue.

ok I am too tired to do this anymore. I'm going to tell ana that I want to go home early today.