here's lookin at you, kid.

life is going well these days, mostly. I still lie awake a few days a week worrying about money, my life, school, my relationship with eric, and so on. I know it doesn't do me any good, but I can't help thinking about everything on my plate.



this is the school story: I'm currently trying to get in the program at forest park or even meremac. that way I'm only spending less than $10,000 for my RN instead of the $37,000 for my BSN. with me and eric talking long-term (like, forever), I can't in good conscience take out another gazillion dollars to pay for my education. I won't do it.



so. at this point, the biggest thing stopping me from getting things really done and moving is me. I have such a hard time doing all the grown-up bullshit...it's like I freak out and avoid it altogether. I can cop out and say that it's because of all my baggage, but I have to move on, forgive my past, and take care of fuckin business.



today I'm hoping to look over the practice dosage test and then take it next week at fo po. I then need to talk to another advisor about signing up for the nursing gig and continuing those steps with vigor. I have to look into financial aid and any kind of grants I can get. this will happen sooner than later, and I can have a better attitude about it all because that's what will get me through this. everyone else in my life supports and believes in me; why can't I?



in other news, eric and I really are talking about the future. he said specifically last night that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. it's not the first time that's come up in our conversations, which thrills me everytime I think about it. I love the idea of being his wife, of him being my husband. and that's not it; it's more than an idea between me and him. it's so much more tangible than that. I remember telling him in the beginning of our relationship that I've never been anything but myself around him, and that's still the truth.



I can see waking up with him every day, I can see making babies with him, I can see him being an incredible father, I see him being a part of my family, I see him with me always. I'm so freakin crazy about that kid. I love touching him. I love talking to him. I love hearing and watching him sing and including me in his musical life. every day I fall more in love with him, and I thank the high heavens for sending him to me. this is what I was waiting for. all those silly romantic songs about finally finding that one person really do have some merit. we make so much sense together where steven and I didn't. what steven and I had in passion is more than made up for in eric's love, kindness, gentleness, intelligence, drive, confidence, caring....I could keep going on and on. the passion I feel (or felt) with steven keeps waning as I feel more and more passionate about eric.



ok, enough super sappy talk. the bones of it is that I have finally fallen in love with a stand-up guy. I told him the other day that I was so, so lucky to have found him. I always wait for the bottom to drop out in my life, but I see no real bottom with him. I think he loves me and wants to be with me too. I think I knew since the beginning that I could see a real future with him, and while it killed me to wait around for him to come to any realization on his own, my patience paid off. he asked me a few weeks ago that he wanted us to move in together. he's said more than once that he hopes and plans to get married to me. he regularly melds our lives together in the future tense; when I mentioned 'my dog, Mac..." he corrected me and said 'our dog!' I'm so excited to have someone who wants to share his life with me. I'm excited every morning to wake up with him. how cool is that?



...



we got into a huge fight the other day. huge screaming match in the middle of the night. I was so angry that I got my dog and my purse and tried calling someone to come pick me up (at 2am). things ended up ok, obviously, but it was fairly dramatic. the basis of the fight has to do (again) with his questioning my level of commitment, and that it really bothers him if I mention other guys in my life. it started with me getting a text from steven. why the fuck was he texting me anyway??! but he did. he wanted me to come over or something, and he said he still loves me. he was really drunk, of course, so I sent one text back telling him to have fun and be careful, but no, I'm not coming out to see him.

so when I told this to eric, that's when the fight started - the fight that we were supposed to have had weeks ago. we duked it out and got a lot of shit on the table, but I walked away without feeling settled about any one thing. he was so patronizing and didn't take what I said seriously. I couldn't tell why...? like, does he just think I'm some silly young girl he can't take seriously?? it drives me nuts. I'm so much more mature and level-headed than so many females my age, first of all, and secondly, my concerns were legitimate. I mentioned the fact that I thought his relationship with the band girls sometimes bordered on inappropriate, and he called it a 'moot point.' what the fuck? ok, I get it, I don't have anything to worry about. but it's not a 'moot point' because it bothers and concerns me, which really was my biggest argument.

what I really hate about the whole scenario is that I walked away feeling like shit. I also have all of this anxiety about the littlest things because I don't know what's going to bother him or set him off. I hate that he harbors those feelings and then explodes on me later. I have no idea if he's even mad till it's way too late. I'm a 'fixer'; I like to make things better, and I can't begin to do that if he refuses to address the problem head on.

I actually mentioned this to him the other day. his mom is being really ugly throughout the divorce, and while some of her actions are unfounded, I think that many of them are a result of her harboring anger and resentment so long that it's coming out in an explosive and henceforth destructive way. eric does the same thing, though he's obviously not nearly as awful as his mom has been. so I approached him when we were getting along and in a 'safe' place (metaphorically speaking) and I asked him if he thought that his mom was perhaps dealing with her past feelings now. I then said that he does the same thing, and he's in danger of dealing with them negatively like she is if he doesn't attend to the problem initially.

his response was that he's had this conversation a hundred times before, that that's the way he is, and that he holds things in. I told him that he may have talked about it before, but not with me, and he may have always been that way, but he doesn't have to be. I asked him to make a concerted effort to address shit in the present because...well, because shit is better fixed, is all.

to further update on the eric situation, this morning he told me that when his dad moves out (he said hopefully by the summer...gulp...I was hoping by january), I'm going to move in with him. he's then going to pick up a summer job and start saving for my ring...! we both want a short engagement and a small wedding, probably at blumenhof. I'm so excited I can't stand it. I asked him if he knew the tradition of spending a certain amount on my ring, and he said, "yeah, two months' pay, right?" I'm like whoa! no thanks! I don't need anything fancy! but it was cute, all the same.

I can't wait to really get started on my life with him. I can't bloody wait.

I spent most of my evening at home, and I have to say I really enjoyed it. I read my book for a while (I'm reading 'fall on your knees') and then remembered to eat and do a few things around my apartment.

I guess I feel compelled to mention how boring tonight was because parts of me must have been craving it. I'll admit, however, that it helps that eric texted me earlier this evening and said he wanted to come over and talk. that puts my mind at so much ease.

the more I'm away from him, the more I realize how much I want to be with him. I saw a pic of us the other day and it made my stomach do a flip-flop. he means so much to me that I'm totally and unmistakably scared by it. I've been a mess the last two weeks wondering if he felt the same way about me.

brittany said it best the other day when she said she feels the need for the man in her life to 'adore her just a little more than she adores him' (in her words). it was a rare event for steven to be enamored with me in any obvious way, so it was a lovely change when eric and I started dating and have him so taken with me - with us, too. I need that kind of reassurance to feel validated. I think I always have. it's not enough to be special in some way; I need to be special in every way.

britt and I also talked about her situation too...she said she may have feelings about her boss. I hate to say it, but I saw that coming a mile away. it doesn't make me feel any better about it. but when she asked me why on earth, when she's so in love with her husband, was she dreaming and fantasizing about her boss (and her ex bf)???!

the only answer I could come up with is that she and I always wait for the bottom to drop in almost any situation, especially in our relationships. and you know, the bottom hasn't gone anywhere between her and jer. they're still strong and happy and married. since this is the case, she's trying to fuck with her world. if she takes things into her own hands, then she can control the chaos and, ultimately, the outcome.

it just usually doesn't work out like we plan.

I think what I'm getting at is that I'm seeing myself in her turmoil. I feel so lonely so often in my misery and plight that I just assume that I'm the only one who's sad...but that's not the case. I joke around about sabotaging my love life and feeling so left out of the loop of marriage and babies and long lives together...but the truth is I'm not ready to be happy.

no, I take that back. I'm ready to be happy, and I'm hoping that I can be happy with eric. so hoping.

is it too early to hope for a life together with him? is it too early to wonder if we can do something drastic like moving in together? is it too soon to plan ahead? to think about the level of commitment that I crave so badly?? I keep telling myself that it's much easier to take steps forward, even if it's slowly, than it is to take steps backwards. I should try to just slow down....

but man, my heart won't listen to reason.

not again.

today is eric's birthday. he's 31. in other news, I overdrafted on my account for the first time today. too bad it was because I had to buy ingredients for eric's birthday cake (which is sitting in the refrigerator because I haven't seen him since sunday) and a pregnancy test. those are just the two transactions that I didn't catch before I drained my savings to save my ass; I also bought a $50+ bottle of glenlivet. for my boyfriend. for his birthday. he's 31. I'm reallllllly happy for him.


I probably shouldn't be spending this time alone being so bitter.




this is what bothers me the most about right now, this moment: I've been here before. I've fucking been here. I never wanted to do this again, and here I am. fuck, I could be pregnant right now with no idea whether the father gives a shit about me.

moments like these make me question what could be wrong with me that makes guys think I'm so expendable? I've asked this question before. I've wondered it many times over....I've got to be doing something wrong.

for all I know it's just a fluke lately, that we've both been really busy and it's so hard to coordinate our schedules. but I can't do that so early in the game. I think it's atrocious that we live less than ten minutes away and can't manage to see each other till the weekend. it's ridiculous that eric doesn't want to be friends on facebook or whatever because he'd rather connect with me, the real person, but we don't even connect......?

it sucks so bad because I'm generally a very laid-back person and I think that it's equally important for a couple to have time apart as much as they spend together. it's when things become uneven that it becomes a really problem for me. I want to start sharing my life with someone, and I can't keep allowing myself to be put on the backburner with all these (albeit legitimate) excuses. it's not fair.


I keep thinking about all the times with steven that I was miserably uninvolved. I was sitting here earlier, pissed off, re-thinking and re-evaluating everything between me and eric, and then getting more pissed off....here I am, with this unbelievable guy, and I'm so furious I could throw shit. it's the feeling of being left out and unwanted and not important that absolutely incenses me. uuuuuuuuuggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! dammit, I don't care how great he is, that's bullshit! I don't want to DO THIS anymore! I don't want to constantly feel like this....fuck, I don't ever want to feel this way again! it's not fucking fair. not. fucking. fair.

and you know louise hay would say that I'm responsible for feeling this way. I know I'm horribly insecure and have a bajillion deserve issues, and that has almost everything to do with the way I'm feeling. actually, it has everything to do with it, but it's important to me to hold him accountable for his end. I thought I meant more to him than this................?


do I............................?



is it so much to ask to mean something????????????????? the here and now feels so much better than the retrospect, the I miss you I love you come back, the why did you leave.......?


................the I'm gonna.



I'm mad at myself too - totally furious. I fucked the shit out my money and didn't respect it, and now I'm in a bind with the bank and probably at least two places as a result of this. I'm mad, too, that I somehow made it ok for someone to treat me like this again. it's not a big deal, I know! but it's a big deal to me.


I purged myself of steven, and trying to rid my new relationships of as much of the shit as I can. I know I have the strength to get through it, but my heart is bound to just harden eventually and I'm not going to let that fucking happen. it would all be for nought if that happened.


all for nought.

I'm babbling now, but I can't release it till I get it all out. last year I think on steven's birthday I wrote a post that was so painful that it's hard for me to read it. I don't want that again. I don't want any of that again.

there is a point and time when I stop searching for my happiness and contentment and a place called home, and I'll come home, take off my shoes, look around me, and know that I've found it. I'm close. I'm just not there yet.

it's been a while.

ok, I have to admit to myself that I create my own drama.



this week has been weird. well, the last couple of weeks have been weird. I turned 25 just the other day, and I'm feeling every minute of my age. the day was fun and laid-back....I worked that morning at 6, went to class, went on a run with mac, went out to dinner with eric, then out with natalie. I got rip-roaring drunk, called and texted people all night, kissed some guy at the bar, threw up on the way home more than once, spent the entire next day recovering, and got into a fight with eric. I also managed to get into contact once again with dreamy neighbor who proceeded to text me dirty messages the whole next day - a welcome and unwelcome gesture.



last week I went to alton with eric and brittany so eric could experience the block party. it was an ok night overall, but I was constantly looking over my shoulder, which was my fault. I spent almost all my money and I had to drive britt and eric home. we saw steven that night too....it fuckin freaked me out. b and I wanted eric to see the beagle since we'd been there so many times in the past, and lo and behold, steven was there. I saw him the last moment before we walked inside from the patio. so we sat down inside and ordered. in the meantime, b saw steven and started kicking the shit out of my shins to let me know. since I have a radar that detects my steven, I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I would see him that night. sooooooo we decided to move to the other side of the bar to avoid contact; I didn't know how steven would react to my being there with another guy. luckily things went off without a hitch.





the adventures continue. my boss had a get-together at his place earlier in the week in honor of chad, alex and aaron's return, so I went. it was a lot of fun - till chad started grabbing my butt and hitting on me. I mean, when you've been mildly obsessed with someone like I've been for him, it's hard not to react in his favor. but I love eric, and I can't continue to sabotage my love life. it's unproductive. anyway, I went home early because I had to be at work at 6am. chad continued to text me and suddenly my phone rang around 130 or 2am - it was him. we talked for a while, and he all but made the offer to come over and...whatnot. I obviously declined, mostly because I just can't sleep with someone who's already slept with my sister. when I told him this, he proceeded to tell me that he has no feelings for her and that he thinks I'm much cuter than she is. ok, 1. I don't care about his feelings. I'm still not sleeping with him. and 2. telling me my sisters are anything less than totally and completely beautiful will put you on my short list.



I thought about my encounter with chad. I was so fucking floored by it. I assumed he was just naturally flirty, not interested. or maybe he's not interested and just wanting to get in my pants? that's extremely plausible, especially with him leaving in a couple of days for CT. but now I'm all verklemmt. and totally satisfied - I mean, I'm not going to sleep with him, the end. but knowing that he wanted to sleep with me was enough to satiate my need to know whether he was interested or not. it's the most hands-off sex I've ever had.



anyway, there is always 'more.' thursday I went out with natalie again, and we went to jive. I was so convinced that there would be a minor amount of drama that night that I decided to create my own: by texting steven. he responded almost immedately, much to my surprise/chagrin/horror. he started by being really argumentative, and I had to backpedal quite a bit, saying I was sorry I texted him at all. then he began asking me if everything was ok, and why did I text him, and how did I still have his number, and all these other things. so we went back and forth for a while, and I finally just called him (I was so tired I could barely stay awake to text, and besides....my thumbs were worn out.



...we ended up talking for almost 2 hours. I couldn't believe it. it was a really great conversation. we were able to get a lot of shit out on the table and explain things we were never able to talk about before. he said he missed me 'every damn day of the week' and he loves me still. I had to tell him that I missed him and loved him too (though it wasn't that hard to admit). we both agreed that we can't be friends because we don't have an in between; we're either together, or we're not talking. we're either having sex or we're fighting. we're either kissing and loving each other or we're not touching at all. 'friends' is not an option with thea and steven.



it was so wonderful to hear his voice though. I can't not admit it. I'm not so gravitationally drawn towards him that I can't function and I'm no longer in love with my bf, but we're so universally connected that I can't deny it; I have to be honest and just fuckin embrace it. I did tell him I have a boyfriend and that we've been dating for a couple of months. he said he was happy for me and that I deserved the best....and he wasn't it. he admitted I was the best thing in his life and that he purposely threw it all away because he was so scared of being (or not being) exactly what I needed and wanted...and deserved.

it was a weight lifted off of me, talking to him. I can put the phone back down and not feel the need to contact him. he said the night I saw him he thought the bald guy (eric) was jeremy, so thank god. it may have changed things. however, he's so....balanced? calm? something. he's still same old steven, but I could've talked to him for hours. he's so raw right now, like we were able to shed a lot of bullshit in our time apart. he said he isn't dating anyone (I don't think) and I didn't think he was looking to get back together or anything. I honestly think he wants me to be happy. I honestly believe it when he says he loves me and wants the best for me.

something else he mentioned was the fact that the last thing he wanted to do was move in together. he was really nervous about ruining everything we had together by driving each other crazy with daily living conditions (brushing teeth, doing laundry, riding the couch), which is respectable. no, you know what it is? it's the truth. he wasn't ready to grow up. he probably still isn't. not being with me might be a huge burden lifted from him - which is sad, but interesting. or something.

I still don't know how exactly to feel about it all, but I know a few things: I love steven. I told him so. I miss him. I told him that too. I want the best for him. I made sure I knew that. and I know that if our world keeps spinning like it does, we'll end up together. somehow. someday.

I'm not hoping for that. I wish I could take back so much of what we had. I wish I still had so much of what I already blocked out. but there are some things I just know.


and I know steven will be a part of my life again one day, probably a long time from now.

I'm not looking for a ring. am I?

it's a funny thing, getting into a healthy relationship with someone new. it means a lot of different things. for one, it means that we can feasibly consider the possibility of staying together. for two, it means that I'm feeling more and more ok with it.

I was thisclose to finally saying I love you last night. I want to wait for him to do it, but I don't think my big mouth will hold out. I can't help loving someone like him so soon.

so I've been (semi)secretly looking at wedding dresses online. of course, I love the ones that are ridiculously expensive. natalie and I are talking about having the hypothetical bridesmaids wear mustard yellow unitards. with sequins.








I'm sitting here staring at the computer, wondering how I put this shit in words. the truth is, I can't. I can't keep trying to explain this to myself. I'd rather just let it go, let it ride, experience it and be happy with the results. or at least not have any regrets. the truth is, too, that I can see myself marrying this wonderful man, and I can't stop thinking about the possibilities between us. for instance, last night, he mentioned that perhaps his mom is mad at him for not getting married and having babies, and it was all I could do to not say something like "well you can have babies with me!" who says that one month in??

I keep mentioning to him the steps and directions we keep going in to him, and he just waves it away with his hand, saying it's silly to label anything. we don't need to label what is and has been just a good time.

but maybe I need the label for it to sink in....?

you know, in the grand scheme of anything, we've known each other 12 seconds. I can't jump the gun and assume that this is it, but god! the pressure! it's not even that bad, but man, bringing him to the wedding was not a good idea if I was iffy about him. everyone who met him was impressed, and I think they're all assuming that he's going to be It. should I listen to them? is that the universe saying something to me? it's just very confusing.

I go through spurts where I'm like "is this real? do I like him really, or am I just grateful for the companionship?" but then last night I felt crazy about him. I couldn't stop touching him, smiling when I was around him, and I slept thisclose to him all night long.

ahh! stop it! I can't be wary of the bottom dropping out! this is good, that's all it is. that's it! it can even stay good! it's normal!

ok, I need to keep getting these things off my chest so I don't blow up one day. that wouldn't do me any good. last night we were discussing me being a pain in the ass, and he's super concerned about getting into fights and dealing with a self-reported pita. we concluded that I'm sassy more than anything, so he's relieved, I'm amused, and we're still happy. he hates the idea of fighting, though. he's like dreading it. I, for one, don't believe a healthy relationship is without conflict, so hopefully we'll find a way to fight healthily. or we can at least have a foundation to start from - like counseling.

omg. I did just say that.

I'm rambling, I know. I talked to ryan a few minutes ago and he said to chill out and not worry so damn much. he's right. only time will tell.

questioning the future. and my sanity.

I must be going insane. I want to tell eric I love him already! it's been like 12 seconds since we started our relationship, and I want to go There??! is this normal? god, I don't know.

the thing is, I really don't know if my feelings are for real or if I'm just having a good time and want to impulsively blurt out 'I love you.' I can't help it, though; I want to say it all the time. I have to catch myself constantly. I don't even know how he'd respond, or if he's just waiting for me to say it first, or what.......? uggggggghhhh

last night was kristin's wedding. it was really beautiful. she looked incredible, they look so happy, and almost everything went picture-perfect smoothly. eric was my date, and he was wonderful. I spent a lot of time dancing, which meant that he spent a lot of time hanging out by himself, but he didn't seem to mind. everyone wanted to meet him, everyone was asking about him, and I was put on the hot seat about 12900 times to explain his presence.

the truth is, I think that he's going to be around for a long, long time. I've been trying to take a moment here and there to review just how I feel about him and us. sylvia really likes him, my mom and tim both say they have great vibes about him, brittany and jeremy like him...I don't know what to say or do in response to all of this! I mean, I don't look for approval, and I've never asked anyone what they thought (maybe one or two people). kristin, in the midst of all her wedding shenanigans, made it a point to say to me "he's soooo cute!" jill thinks he's a great man, dave seems to like him.....

but how do I feel. how do I feel?

I've found that I'm coming to the crossroads that I don't think I've been to before: I love him, or I choose to love him.

so, he's quirky. he's cute, but not call-all-your-girlfriends cute. he's a little needy, but not overwhelmingly so. he's 30 and has been a bachelor, so he comes with all that boy baggage. he says 'I'm sorry' a lot. he drinks almost every night. he's a little whiny.

but he's malleable. he's smart, fun, a loving soul. his friends have separately told me that he's a great guy. he has an education and aspirations to be something better. we can talk about english-y stuff. he writes!! he loves and appreciates family. he used to be an athlete. he owns a house. he adores me, tells me I'm beautiful, and I feel beautiful when I'm around him. I never felt that way when I was with steven.

I've (sort of) tried to talk to eric about some of this, but he's not one for a titling anything. he thinks it's unnecessary. I have to agree with him partway, but I need something tangible to try and understand. this - we - don't make any sense yet. is he my boyfriend, is he a man friend, are we serious, are we just having fun...?

another issue I try not to concern myself too much with is the fact that he (nor I) have really divulged info about past loves - or our sex past. yes, we've talked about getting our hearts broken and we've talked about people we've loved in the past, but there's more to it than that. I guess we don't necessarily need to, but I'm curious all the same.

the fact is, I'm giving myself the opportunity to be (overly) analytical because I don't feel like taking these big, huge, painful chances again at age 24 or 25. I'm not old, but I'm too old not to learn from some of my mistakes. I don't have to perpetuate my self-destructive behavior. the grass is not always greener, and bad boys will always be bad. I have to tell myself until I believe it that the guys I think might be interested are likely not - they're simple creatures, these males. if they want something, they'll let me know. if they don't, then it's not gonna happen. the end.

anyway, I suppose I'm telling myself to be ok with one person for now. I can imagine marrying eric. I think about the future a lot. I want to fast forward and see what'll happen in a year or two from now. like, what kind of ring would he get me? when would we be able to move in together? where would I put all my stuff??

so here I sit, wondering and waiting. waiting and wondering. hoping that whatever and whenever time will tell, I'll be listening.

titles & timetables

it's been such an interesting, whirlwind month. eric and I have progressed into much more serious territory. we're spending more and more time together, and I'm pretty sure I'm falling for him more each day. obviously, things aren't perfect. I can see that, even in our 'honeymoon' stage. however, things are great so far, and I'm really enjoying the ease with which we conduct our relationship.

I'm still terrified of a commitment, but I'm thinking that things are definitely moving towards something longterm - or forever. that thought alone made my stomach do a flip-flop. is that bad?

the thing is, I'm such a basketcase. a hormonal basketcase. I really like this kid, and I know things could end up being great longterm, but doesn't the grass always look greener....? more than once I've met his friends and have been mildly smitten with them. like his friend jones. he's good looking, financially successful, and if he's not sexually interested in me, then slap my butt and call me stupid because my signals are way off. then tim. omg. so cute. so sweet. did I mention cute? not that it's a huge deal, but he gave me a hug to say hi and goodbye, and I'd really only known him for one evening prior to that. again, I'd venture to say that he's mutually interested in me, but I can't fuck this up.

that's the thing: I'm thisfuckingclose to fucking things up. I don't need to go out looking for trouble; I've done a really good job finding drama in most parts of my life already, especially my love life.

I've said this to a couple of people before, and I'll say it here: I'm pretty sure eric is ready for something big to happen between us. I mean, he mentioned last night something about needing a place to stay if his dad moved in with him. I didn't feel forced (necessarily), but I think I understood that he was asking me if he could possibly shack up with me. ok. big, deep breath. wtf??!!! we've known each other a little over a month, and he's already thinking about taking that step? granted, we've spent a significant amount of time together lately, most nights even, but omg. that means a lot. a lot a lot.

ok, I suppose I'm freaking out because when I finally released myself from steven, I was able to see myself with so many other people. I felt beautiful and sexy again. I was legitimately interested in so many men who I previously couldn't see myself with. dreamboat neighbor said he was interested. kristin's adorable future brother-in-law has said multiple (positive) things about me. chad...well, chad is chad. ok, now I'm reaching. but my point is that now I'm free of steven and suddenly I'm in a relationship and I don't know if that's where I want to be. is it??

I said for so long that I want a no-bullshit relationship with someone who wanted to spend time with me, who was pleasant and fun and easygoing and friendly and...and...all the things that eric is, so far. but it's not scary so much as it seems so final. I mean, I can't even stomach calling him my boyfriend, let alone letting him live in my apartment temporarily and think about our wedding. you know what he said last night??! OUR KIDS. WTF.

basically what it amounts to is that he's real, and I'm really not sure about it all. I just started getting used to looking. I don't know if I want to fuck things up by saying "yeah, I'm not ready for this, I just got out of a longterm relationship (a fucking year ago) and I don't think I'm ready to commit, blah blah blah." the problem (oh, and there are many) is that I could say "no thanks right now" and he would be gone. donezo. and where would I be? I can't date his friends, and it's not like I have a whole lot of options elsewhere. well, not any good options.

so here's my compromise/theory: love, or relationships as a whole, are a manifestation of a decision made on the part of a person or a couple. I can decide to love eric (eventually), and I can decide to be with him now for an indefinite amount of time. but, to maintain my integrity, I have to commit to at least that decision, which also means committing to eric. the end.

well, I can do that. maybe. I may have to force myself to do it, to be an adult, but so be it. I can't keep compromising my character just because I have an overactive vagina.

ok, on to the next order of business, which is also in the title: timetables. when is too soon? this whole dating thing is so new to me that I can't figure anything out. I really think it's too soon for me and eric to think about moving in together, but who is to say that if we maintain our current relationship? if that's the case, then my sisters were right: I could potentially be picking out my wedding dress by next spring. *gulp* and oh god, what if I get pregnant? or what if I already am?! that would certainly put a spin on things.

so we're fumbling our way through this new thing we call a relationship. I'm hoping we're mutually clueless so that one of us isn't always calling the shots. I'm also hoping that my heart, my head and my vagina will all settle down so I can enjoy my life with this guy more fully and without so many reservations. brittany would say I need to chill, and so would natalie, and so would sylvia. kristin is probably the only person who'd be like "get it while you still can!!" but she is just now settling down and getting married, and she's 30. I want to get this show on the road a bit sooner if I can help it.

I don't know, man. I don't know which body part I should listen to. I also don't know if there is a valid reason why I'm so freaking nervous about starting a perfectly normal, perfectly fabulous new relationship with someone great.

I guess because it's been so long since that's happened.

it's a real mind fuck with him because I'm constantly reminding myself not to say 'I love you.' I mean, for god's sake it's literally a month to the day since our first date. now we're making meals together, spending most nights together, having lots of sex together...but it's still too soon in the grand scheme of my timetable. I can't even call him my boyfriend yet. good lord I have issues.

so more to come, I suppose. things are going rather well, and I do see a future with this guy.

I hope I don't fuck it all up.