I'm pretty sure I need a vacation or I will likely kill someone.

yesterday I feel like I made some serious progress: I went for a walk with mac and rarely thought about steven. I still wake up thinking about him, and I still hate the thought of dating someone else, but at least I made some baby steps.

chad is totally flipping me upside down. I don't know what to do or think about him. he and I have been working together a lot lately, and I can't seem to figure out if he's being a player, or if he's naturally flirtatious, or if he likes me..............? ugh I don't know. I'm certainly not going to make the first move, that's for sure.

what to do with my life!!!!! I feel like it won't slow down long enough for me to catch my breath, but my love life remains mostly nonexistent. somehow I think that probably makes it better for me since I can barely get up in the mornings, let alone maintain a relationship.

I talk a lot about relationships on here, which is weird because I'm not generally the kind of person who is constantly plugged in to my relationships. that being said, it's probably what brought mine and steven's ... whatever it was ... to a screeching halt.

introspectively, I realized that I'm creating these monsters. I haven't let myself get attracted to people who aren't 'work,' so to speak. I like to be independent, but I love not being alone way more than paying all my bills. if I foster this world in which I always take care of myself and everything, then at what point will I let someone else in? my stubbornness has not had the rewards one would expect after putting so much effort into something.

in fact, if my relationship was with stubbornness, then I'd be getting a divorce right about now and begging for alimony.

when I see people who have relationships that I admire or that I simply like, I've been trying to identify and implement those things into my life. it's not just boy-girl unions; it's friendships and families and the like. it's not rocket science to understand that I have a strong personality. it's also not hard for me to realize about myself that I have a lot of self worth issues, probably stemming from my dad and his sickness. I see people receive things without a second thought or feeling guilty. I can't even enjoy a birthday dinner because I'm so freaked out about someone spending money on me, which isn't conducive to letting anyone romance me.

I need more patience. I need more time to just be me and not try looking for answers everywhere all the time. this is the part I should be relishing and enjoying... I think if I begin to enjoy my life, the people who enter it will enjoy me. it's not a diffucult concept. keeping some of the people in my life who are frustrating and maddening is only good for the history I share with them; otherwise, they make me late for work. they contribute to me failing my tests. they make me cry. they make me freakin crazy!

really, I just hope I can continue to move forward instead of mourning the past all the time and wishing for better things. the best things are close by. my happiness is dependent upon no one but me. I can't always change the world, but I can change what's going on between my two ears.

and most of the time, that's more than enough.

my horoscope is weird today....

"You may have to give up your need for clear thinking today, for mental Mercury's alignment with hazy Neptune places a layer of impenetrable mist over your world. Your normally sharp perceptions lack focus now and critical analysis seems out of the question. Contrary to your belief, there's no need to struggle. Let your feelings guide you, even if you don't have the facts to back up your intuitive hunches."

I hope I'm just near my period because I'm consistently annoyed with anyone who moves near me. I pretty much feel like they're all jerks and I'm the only reasonable person alive, but that doesn't make any sense either. sigh.

I'm probably just hungry. or tired. or stressed. I hope I pass my classes.

the bridal shower for brittany is this saturday. I'm hoping everything goes smoothly. I just realized I hadn't planned for a sitter for mac, and he'll definitely need one. poor baby! he's been torturing me for not paying enough attention to him or something. brat.

I've been doing a lot better about the whole steven thing lately. I still think about him a ton, and now that I know he's on fb I've been mildly stalking him, but nothing over the top. I have days when I think about how great things were, and then I immediately have days when I can't believe I stayed with him through all the bullshit. ew.

it helps that I have distractions...chris and I had a lot of fun together while it lasted. I didn't want to encourage anything further with him because I don't want a relationship with him - again. he was going through a hard time, we hung out (and ultimately messed around) and that's it. it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that he was going to break my heart again if I started getting feelings for him.

MY HEART: it's this expendable little thing. I think I was talking to my mom recently, and I realized that I generally set myself up for this kind of heartbreak. I hate the thought of someone taking care of me, or of being vulnerable, but I crave it at the same time. I want someone who lets me be independent and myself and who gives me free time and me time and away time....but I'm pretty sure I've created a person who ignores me, who gives me way too much space, who doesn't spend a lot of time with me, etc etc etc.

I tell myself that I want someone who makes things a lot simpler: I like you, you like me, let's hang out, date, spend more time together, seriously date, get married, make babies, the whole nine yards. I suppose I had something similar to that with derek (ew). I should probably stop trying to work within parameters so that I keep an open mind.

let's be honest here: I'm simply still not ready to be in another relationship. I'm still to raw and hurt and in pain. the end.

oh well. maybe someday.